When I first saw this question, I didn’t want to think or write about it. I like to think that I’m very present in my own life, but my hesitation in addressing this question tells me otherwise. I don’t know if it’s possible to exist like that all the time – completely present and fully aware. It probably happens in short bursts because that’s all we are capable of dealing with.
These bursts are usually in and after moments of intense fear or joy or pain – when we really understand and feel what our lives are about. Childbirth is the first thing that comes to mind because it is one of those experiences that combines all three – joy, fear and pain in the most exquisite cocktail ever.
In February, when one of my teachers suddenly lost her husband, that’s when I felt that shift in focus again. I don’t know if it can be put into words, that feeling with your whole being – it feels a lot like gratitude to me. Understanding and feeling each heartbeat and each breath, how powerful and precious it is. When you feel how blessed you are, how much you have and how much you still have to give and how much you can do. It’s hope and optimism and the promise of good. The closest explanation would be Bella’s transformation into a vampire in the Twilight series of books 😃
But jokes aside, soon enough, we return to our muted existence and life goes on. I would, ideally, like to find a happy medium in feeling what I feel for and around the people I love. Especially my kids. Just because I think that it is what the loved ones in my life deserve.
I find that sometimes counting my blessings, taking the time to verbalize my gratitude, is enough to bring things and feelings into as much focus as I can deal with on that day.